I meant to write a laundry list of all the things I’ve done so far for ttc as a starting point and mini lab notebook for myself. My first month ttc was this past month, so it seemed like an opportune time to start keeping track of things. I kept delaying writing here, with a small insidious voice insisting “you’ll look like an idiot if you get pregnant immediately and you bothered to write all this down. How self-aggrandizing do you really need to be?”
I did not get pregnant last month, which, to be honest, is fine. I’m not even disappointed, which might bear some introspection, but truthfully, it was really nice just to ovulate. It’d been over seven months since my body last felt the need to act like it belonged to a female of reproductive age, and it was reassuring that a relatively noninvasive treatment could kick it into gear. Not all that nice to experience a luteal phase with delights like bloating and constipation and mood swings, but I will have to get used to that aspect. I would have been floored if this cycle had worked, as I have carefully set my expectations for a long, hard road. If I’m pregnant before three years are out, I’ll consider myself ahead. If I’m pregnant by June, I win the lottery of an extended mat. leave sponsored by my current funding. So. There’s a secret timeline and secret hope that eight months will be enough time. It’s quiet, and secret though, and I’m feeling strange even writing it down.
One note from last month: I am a very level headed person. It is a trait that gets remarked on, usually by my more (melo)dramatic friends: “you are always so CALM and RATIONAL about things!”. A scientist. Logical to a fault, and rarely caught up in an emotional whirlwind. After one proper LP with associated progesterone-derived moodiness, I think this may not actually be a personality trait but rather the result of my inability to synthesize the correct hormone levels. Infertility as a personality trait. Not something I had thought about prior to this last cycle. Joked about it, yes, but now that I DO have a cycle (chemically induced though it be), and I DO see shifts in my day-to-day self, I’m faced with the realization that this journey will change me. I knew going in that being a parent would change me, and time will inevitably change me, and the trials and failures of this journey will leave their marks. I didn’t think about restarting my cycle as a change, but rather a return to normalcy. It’s not normal though, not for me. Not after ten years on birth control, where my hormones neither waxed nor waned, not after a year off the pill where my hormones remained in hibernation. My fiancee only knows the level-headed me. To be honest, it’s been so long since first year university and my last birth-control-free month that I only know the level-headed me.
I don’t want to lose myself in this process, on so many levels. I wasn’t prepared for who I am to be in question so early, and so profoundly. I wept twice last week for no reason. Once at a sappy commercial on a youtube video I didn’t end up watching, and once when walking home from the subway. That’s not me. Is that me?