I am a fraud?

Oh how I love science.  It’s a love-hate though. I have been taxed in my life on several occasions on how blunt I can be when discussing science, and other peoples’ research.  Getting hit by that on the flip side was humbling today.  It’s bad enough to be told you’ve been doing something wrong, but to be told so in an aggressive, semi-attacking tone is hard.  Hard to see the grain of wisdom and the lessons to be learned from this other, accurate but brittle, point of view.

I am a strong person, and a strong personality.  I am occasionally over-confident, and nearly always a little tiny bit arrogant.  It’s something I quietly acknowledge as a strength, but not one I am proud of.  

It is rare for me to suffer from imposter syndrome.  Today followed a week of utterly uncharacteristic, drug-fueled emotional breakdowns, and today offered a set of well-meaning questions that exposed areas of knowledge where I am still learning, still weak.  I weathered those.  I didn’t weather the well-meaning but substantially more aggressive discussion from a colleague following a presentation.  I wish I had.  I also wish I had at least managed to keep my composure, but an email check-in from said colleague makes it all to obvious I failed there too.

Today could have gone better.  I think I ovulated… we’ll see if the universe gives me that consolation prize.  

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