Reaffirmation

I struggle sometimes with the disparity between the level of my desire to have children and what is likely to be required of me for that desire to bear fruit.  I would rate my desire to have children as middling to moderate, with trepidation about many many aspects of pregnancy and parenthood.  I don’t think this is unusual, especially for people trying for a first child.  However, it is relatively likely that invasive treatment is the only option I will have to conceive.  Injectable ovulation inducers will likely be joining my life hand-in-hand with New Years resolutions come January.  From the literature, and I’ve read all the literature, my AMH level and my family history indicate that decisions about IVF are in the not-too-distant future.  Making decisions to find an OB/GYN, to start taking clomid, to increase the dose of clomid, and, soon, to move to injectables and a proper fertility specialist sometimes feel like I am pushing myself toward a goal I’m not even sure I want.

Then days like yesterday arrive and put it all in perspective for me, and provide clarity of mind despite my body’s continued confusion. Yesterday underscored for me yet again how very important family is to me, and to my fiancee, and to us as a unit.  We lost a family member (my fiancee’s grandfather), another was released from hospital after a three-day stay for a serious but treatable ailment, and another underwent minor surgery for the mid-point step of an IVF, in the hopes of expanding their family.  

I do not desperately want to be pregnant, and I worry about adjusting to the role of parent, but I do want a family.  I want us to have the organizational chaos and laughter and tears and troubles and fights and family dinners and warmth that is a family to me.

 

Obligatory lab book update: day 9 post-prometrium and no sign of anything happening.  I started temping again because I felt so weird mid-week, and after one low temp, the rest have been high – in my normal post-o range.  With all the missing temps from my break during prometrium, I have no idea what that means.  Dr. Google. says this can happen, though I am not sure I understand where the progesterone for this heightened bbt is coming from.  Tomorrow I shall call my OB/GYN to see about a new plan.  I should wait til day 12, but he’s sometimes hard to get a hold of, and the holidays are looming.  I’d rather not be in limbo for another week if I can avoid it.

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2 thoughts on “Reaffirmation

  1. mannacakepie

    Hi labmonkey. Thanks for sharing your conflicting emotions and reaffirmation. From the non-parent end of things, the process of becoming a parent involves a lot of loss–and the new life part of things can be hard to imagine. I hear you also on the wanting of a family–I think that’s in part what it’s hard to put a name on for “why get pregnant”–because both you and your partner are changed and now part of something new.

    Reply
  2. Turia

    The dinner table image has been incredibly helpful when I need to work through how I feel about something, or when there are tough decisions to make, particularly because I am terrified of dealing with infancy again. Whenever I take a deep breath, look beyond the next one, two, five years, and picture my dinner table in eighteen or twenty years time, it always becomes much clearer.

    I’m really sorry to hear about Pea’s grandfather.

    Reply

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