waiting waiting waiting worrying

Today I feel stuck.   I am anxiously waiting for news from home, due to arrive today.  I am anxiously waiting for Pea to wake up, so I can see how he is doing today.  I am anxiously monitoring my fertility signs yet again (back to peeing on sticks and examining mucous.. it was a nice break while it lasted).  I was meant to go back in to work today, though I doubt anyone else is there, but will be working from home instead.  Anxiously.

Clomid made me very very very anxious earlier this week, but that irrational purely-physical symptom dissipated after one day post-pills, so this anxiety, this form-full worry, is my own.  

I spent four hours yesterday at the hospital with Pea, after a helpful telehealth nurse couldn’t rule out that what he was experiencing wasn’t an early-stage heart attack.  It wasn’t, thank goodness, but he was very uncomfortable for several hours at home, and he went through an EKG, a battery of blood tests, a liter of saline IV, and a mL of atavan before we were back on our way home last night.  Tingling hands and face, a feeling of not enough air coming into his lungs despite taking deep breaths, dizziness, weakness, racing heart.  He had an episode at the hospital while wired to the EKG, and his heart rate skyrocketed.  The muscles in his mouth seized, so that he was having a hard time speaking through his pursed lips.  It was scary.  He was scared.

What I think: dehydration and hang-over, coupled to his usual caffeine intake (a double espresso, so not crazy amounts, but given dehydration and probably not enough food) lead to a blood-sugar/caffeine wooziness.  That’d be ok, and the ginger tea with massive heap of honey I initially gave him should have helped (it did, and then didn’t).  I think what happened was a panic/anxiety attack that started because he felt unexplainably unwell, and then hyperventilated.  That’s what the doctors decided last night, and while Pea is not satisfied (and is still worried about blood clots and other things the tests ruled out), I think I agree.  He’s a worrier.  He bottles things up, and work has been stressful lately, and not just in a busy way, but in an interpersonal-conflict way that is much harder for him to shrug off or move past.  He’s worried about trying to have a baby, mostly the uncertainty of what we think is reasonable for intervention.  I need to talk to him about where I’m at with that, as I think we are on more of the same page than we think (in that I am probably willing to try more invasive things than I have actually admitted out loud and that he feels more strongly about becoming a parent than I had credited).  

He feels silly for having us go to the hospital.  I don’t think it was silly.  I also don’t think anxiety attacks are a sign of weakness or instability; they are a physiological response to stressors, and if this means we need to find different ways to deal with the stresses in our life, then we can put some time and effort into that.  I’m not sure if we’re going to tell our families or not, I will leave it to him to decide.  He has been miserable at work the past few weeks, at this golden dream job, and I think he feels the weight of our combined life on his shoulders (he makes just over triple what I do).  I don’t know if I’ve ever clearly explained that I don’t give a fig about our lifestyle, and that it’s not on him to keep us afloat.  I did last night.  I’ll reiterate it today. He’s taking a sick day.  I’m working a bit, but then I want us to go for a long walk along the water, and eat ice cream, and talk through some things.  

So here I sit, reading articles about new methods for handling complex data.  Keeping an eye on my inbox and an ear to the bedroom.  Worried that panic attacks may be a new reality for our household. Hoping New Year excesses can be solely to blame.  Wondering how to approach discussing anxiety when I am, myself, a ball of jangling nerve endings.  Taking deep breaths (but not too deep, for fear of hyperventilation).

lab book update: cycle day 12, and I feel like things are gearing up.  Possibly.  I’m the kid who has routinely announced that she is ovulating about 8-9 times before taking progesterone because she was not, in fact, ovulating at all.  So we’ll see how this goes, but it does feel different.

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