on hold

All right.  I cannot in good conscience try to conceive while knowingly rubella-non-immune.  It would be negligent of me, at the minimum, and there was someone with measles within a half-mile of me two weeks ago.  Possibly much closer, as we take the same transit and I don’t know where he was on campus.  Of the ~40 cases of measles in 2014 in the US so far, no fewer than 30 of them were in my current state.  I am getting the shot from my local pharmacy today, starting a 4 week wait on my immune system.  Then a blood test (they got results in two days this time, which was very fast), and then, then we can start with letrozole.  I’m going to skip vericella for now: relatively low-risk, unless I catch it within the week of delivering (and as Pea said, “you can just hide that week”).

I was unreasonably upset about this last night.  I broke down completely when I got home, making this the fourth time in our four years together that Pea has seen me cry, really cry.  I’m not a crier.  It wasn’t as much the month to wait, the loss of the only month in the next three where I’m not traveling at all, the thought that if I DO ovulate all on my own thanks to residual clomid stim, that I will have to let that egg go.  It was that the past two weeks have steadily worn down any confidence I had in my ability to navigate this scenario.

I waited a year to start with an ob/gyn because my ultrasound at six months didn’t show PCOS.  Except I’m pretty sure it did.  I bludgeoned my way through the referral process to get to a clinic that takes my insurance, only to find out Pea’s coverage is both amazing and not applicable to this clinic.  I went to see a GP and said the words “I want to start trying to conceive in the spring” over a year ago and he ran a blood panel on me that DIDN’T include the immunity tests I’m having to sort out now.  Nor did the blood panel my ob/gyn ran when I first started with him, six months ago.

I just feel like I’ve wasted so much time and energy and mental stress, and I’m still waiting to start.

It isn’t all bad.  This might give us an opportunity to switch clinics if we want, so that the letrozole is covered by Pea’s insurance.  I can try to lose the clomid weight without worrying about impacting my reproductive health (it’s only ~5 lbs, nothing crazy).  I can see if I ovulate on my own with a longer timeframe than the clinic would give me.  I’m not at all happy about this, but I do recognize it is not the end of the world, nor even a big deal in the grander scheme of things.  As Pea said last night “we can take this as an opportunity to learn to roll with the punches.  If we have a kid, they will punch us, so we need the practice”.

One thought on “on hold

  1. Turia

    Bless, Pea. That sounds like exactly the sort of thing Q. would say.

    You are making the right decision. I know it is hard and frustrating and you shouldn’t be having to wait so long because you’ve already waited so long just to get to here. But it is the right decision.

    I would have cried too. But I am a crier, so that would not have been surprising.

    I’m sorry this has happened. The thing is- infertility journeys ALWAYS throw up things that are unexpected. For me the big ones were the thyroid, the endo and the resulting surgery, and the fact that we needed ICSI so all the IUIs we’d done were a total waste of time and money. Every time you think you are getting things under control, you’re thrown another curveball. It’s actually quite good practice for parenting. 🙂


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