if wishes were horses

I’d ride off into the sunset brandishing a positive pregnancy stick.  Well, grasping it, and also desperately trying to hold on to the horse and probably yelling, which would undoubtedly aggravate the horse…  I’m not an accomplished rider, is what I’m trying to say.

Wait, no.  I think I am not pregnant, is what I am trying to say.  

Granted, it is only 11dpo, and still no sign of my period (which, given a usual 9-10 day LP means the progesterone is doing something useful).  Granted, I only got a true negative on a test as of today, after persistent, varying positives from the trigger up to 10 dpo yesterday.  (and if I squint, and cock my head, and wish on a fairy flying by, isn’t there maybe the faintest shadow of a line on this test?  but then wouldn’t that also be trigger?).

In short, it turns out seeing positive pregnancy tests bred the uncomfortable realization that I am deeply invested in this process, and capable of ridiculous levels of unconstrained hope (I did not realize either of these before).  Have I forgotten we had bad IUI timing? No, but it does not seem to make a lick of difference to my brain.

I’ll post my trigger progression later, once I have an end result, so you can all marvel in the non-linear diminishing of hCG levels.  If my body were an experiment, the noise would be greater than the signal, and it would have to be discarded.

I like my body though, so I think I’ll keep it, and maybe skip peeing on tests from here on out now that I have a relative timeline to follow (I’m going with pre-12dpo = not reliable).


2 thoughts on “if wishes were horses

  1. Turia

    STOP the pee-stick madness! Seriously- nothing fucks with your head more. My best assvice is to have a tww at Christmas- that was the only one where I could almost sometimes sort of forget about it. Excuse to have Christmas more often?

    1. labmonkeyftw Post author

      Oh I know, but I didn’t want the scenario of something squinty on 14 dpo and having no idea if it was just trigger or not. I’m not testing again unless I make it to 14 dpo, but now if there is anything there, I would believe it.
      I can’t really manufacture a busy two weeks of relatives and cookies every month from now til December, but I will probably be ok just staying distracted if I’m not peeing on sticks every day.


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