back to old ways of waiting

cd1 today, which is good because waiting around for my period is depressing and seems like a particularly pointed waste of time.  

cd1 today, which is bad because I didn’t miraculously see two lines on a more sensitive test.

This past cycle was lovely.  I ovulated a week before I expected to, which meant I hadn’t even geared up to my usual completely-insane symptom spotting for impending O.  No one poked anything into my nether regions except Pea, and he was welcome there (ha). I lost some weight while on vacation (never underestimate the power of taking chemotherapy drugs, amIright?).

This past cycle I also realized I am considerably less bomb proof than I had been all through the months and months of annovulatory cycles, and the clomid cycles.  Pregnant women on the street are making me flinch.  Amazon TV ads for diaper services are making me tear up (I bet these are directed to me based on OPK purchases, thanks Amazon).  We told the last set of parents we were struggling to conceive, and it felt like an open wound for a day for me.  I think because now I really really believe I am infertile.  Even if we conceive, even if we successfully have a child or children, I am an infertile, and that is making me a little bit twisted and a little bit dark inside.  I wanted to avoid this aspect of infertility, the emotional and self-confidence costs.  I thought I might be able to.  That was arrogance, and I am facing the hubris of it now.

I still think I’m doing pretty well: I respond to femara.  We have another shot (or two) with the IUI/femara plan.  I’ve gotten my brain mostly around the idea of IVF.  We have a free IVF cycle.  Life could be so so so much harder, but that is not to say it is not hard right now.


2 thoughts on “back to old ways of waiting

  1. thecommonostrich

    UGH. Yes. I feel this, especially that twist to the heart every time you see signs of pregnancy around you. Frankly, I’m giving you points for having taken so long to come over to the dark side.

    For ages, I was feeling “something”… I couldn’t name it until one day it dawned on me. Shame. (This is not an emotion I’m familiar, generally.) I felt ashamed that my body wasn’t doing what it is “supposed” to do. I won’t speak for you, but that’s the emotion that most took me by surprise.

    After months and months of soul searching, I no longer hate pregnant strangers or diaper commercials. I’ve moved from the dark side to the grey, if you will. There’s plenty of room over here when you’re ready.

    1. labmonkeyftw Post author

      Yes yes, to the shame. I cannot think of another time that I felt shame in my entire life, but when I first started taking clomid, I felt like such a failure, and was so ashamed. It only took the one cycle for me to kick myself out of that space (and Pea talking me out of it), because it was pretty toxic.
      I’m glad there is grey space available, it will be hard if I lose the joy of someone else’s good news just because I don’t have any of my own. I will be sad if I can’t figure out how to celebrate with others again.
      From your blog, I’m glad you got some chocolate cake and a massage! Excellent choices, both!


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