It amazes me how little this infertility journey affects Pea. In many ways, I envy him. I know he wants a family, and he doesn’t love the clinic, and it’s hard for him to schedule the IUIs with his buses to work. I know he is sad that it makes me sad when cycles fail (and is probably sad also). I think that’s it though. I don’t think he thinks about it much outside of when I mention it (lately in the form of demanding he tell me if he thinks my nipples are darker than normal (maybe?)). Being randomly flashed in our apartment, it turns out, is not a great hardship for Pea to bear.
This weekend we did one of those ridiculous buzzfeed quizzes, to find out which tarot card we were (we were waiting for something else to update). One of the questions was “What aspect of your life do you most feel needs improvement?” Pea thought about it for a long time his time through the quiz, and eventually chose “friends” over the other options (including family, money, kids, stress, career, … I can’t remember them all). On my go through, I chose “kids” with no hesitation. I was a bit flabbergasted that Pea chose friends over either stress or kids. He explained he felt he could be a better friend, more on top of things with friends than he has been lately. Valid, he’s prone to dropping email conversations… but not exactly where my head is at, you know?
The funny thing is, when we had the big “do you want kids” conversation when we were dating, he was a solid yes, and I was a solid “meh, maybe”. I STILL feel that way, often. I often feel I’m more upset that my experiment/plan has failed than that I’m not going to get a baby. (other times I am wrecked by the absence of a tiny muggin to nurture and benignly experiment on.) With IVF looming, and substantially increased time/drugs/effort required on my side, but not really on his, I’m torn. I’m happy he is sheltered from the nonsense of this kiddie-coaster life I’m leading. I’m annoyed the onus is on me. I’m angry at my thyroid/ovarian system for being such a f**k-up.
Mostly, I’m going a little bit crazy today. I test tomorrow, and I think I’m out. No reason or symptom either way, so we shall see.