I feel so much better today.
Sure, yesterday I went home, and I cried all over Pea, and he rubbed my back. But then we discussed options for our upcoming trip and what we might do that would be fun if we had to stay home, and then we watched two back-to-back episodes of Last Week Tonight, and we laughed. It was sad, but we were ok. Both of my sisters called me, because they are supportive and lovely. I was sad to be making them sad.
Today I feel relieved. I’m out of the tortured ambiguity of this pregnancy space. Yes, women with 55 hour doubling rates early on do go on to have perfectly sound pregnancies sometimes. Yes, women with very low, dodgy betas do go on to have perfectly sound pregnancies sometimes. Women who have dodgy, low betas AND too-slow doubling rates have miscarriages, 98% of the time (based on a published peer-reviewed paper, or I wouldn’t have stat in here).
If I know what is going to happen, then I know what to hope for, and I know how to rationalize what is happening. I can cope.
I’m still peeing on sticks every morning: I decided the small amount of mental torture it offers is outweighed by the data: I spent hours scouring wondfo progression pictures yesterday, WISHING people recorded their betas next to their tests more often, and also the outcome of the pregnancy. I’m hoping I can put together a resource post afterwards with all my tests and the betas and the outcome. I’m peeing on sticks for science now, not for hope, and that too is easier to handle.