thanks for riding

As this roller coaster ride rumbles around the corner to the end, it’s a time to catch your breath, adjust your glasses, and calm your racing heart before stumbling off to find a gigantic pretzel or play whack-a-mole.

Beta #5, 24 dpo = 46, down from 80 three days ago.  In very related news, my period has arrived and it is a doozy.  I go for another beta next Monday to make sure it levels to zero, but I think it is safe to say this is over.  I also think my period starting while hcg is still present is further indication that the progesterone suppositories were supporting an inviable pregnancy that may otherwise have ended as a chemical earlier (progesterone often drops first). 

The extra days of agonizing over betas are worth the absence of the “maybe progesterone could have saved this” regret, no question.  

Next up: winning the whack-a-mole game I’ve been playing, where fears, insecurities, and punishment-seeking are the moles, and my common sense, self-esteem, and the ever rational and deeply delightful Pea are my giant cartoon hammers.

As for giant pretzels, those are just delicious.  I inadvertently lost four pounds this past week thanks to my waterfall of a digestive track, so pretty much all food sounds good to me right now.

We’re taking this month off from the clinic (I think they want me to? It doesn’t matter, we’d have to anyway as Pea is gone for two weeks traveling for work).  Then a few more letrozole cycles, as I have 3 more IUIs covered on insurance, and this did sort-of work.  Pea will get me onto his insurance for the new year, and then IVF to commence in early 2015.

5 weeks, 2 days.  Progress of a kind, though painful and particularly poorly timed (as a success would have been perfectly timed on nearly all fronts).  I just hope (oh I hope) this isn’t as far as we’ll get.


3 thoughts on “thanks for riding

  1. Haisla

    I’m glad that the betas are finally going down and hope you will hit zero soon. What a limbo. Again I am so, so sorry.

    I agree with you, though that having the progesterone was probably a good idea, as at least you gave this cycle your best shot and in that sense will have no regrets.. It would have been infinitely worse to live with what ifs..

    Sending healing thoughts your way. Try not to exhaust yourself with the emotional whack-a-mole. Take it easy, luv. You deserve a break.xx


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