meltdown station

I have a whirlwind of things to say, and I haven’t written here because I’m being very anxious and stressed and odd, and I wanted to at least try to work through some of what was going on before trying to describe it to an audience. That resulted in my breaking down and bawling all over Pea last night, while our houseguest napped on the couch in the next room, so maybe it is better if I just dump this somewhere even if unformed.

I’m a bit of a mess. And it is, AGAIN, an INSURANCE issue that is causing it. I do not understand how Americans navigate their health care system. I certainly don’t seem capable of doing it. Every time, I do lots of reading and I call various involved parties, and then I go do something and it all fails or gets stuck in unexpected uncharted channels, or it’s just wrong.

I am so mad. And sad. And I hate hate hate failing at being organized and on top of things, because that is a source of pride for me. I hate wasting money, and having two insurance policies, both of which would cover a specific appointment, having to pay for it out of pocket anyway is the epitome of wasting money.

Here’s what I know now. My insurance through my work is my primary insurance and I can’t just ignore that it sucks. My insurance through Pea’s company is my secondary insurance, and will only cover claims that my primary has denied or only partially covered. So to do ANYTHING I need to go through the proper channels for my primary insurance. Which I did not do for our initial consult, or for my saline sonogram today, as I did not get prior authorization or a referral. I did not do this because my secondary insurance, which will actually cover these, does not require any such thing. So Pea and I went to an appointment a few weeks ago, and I am going to go to an appointment today, and neither will be covered despite both insurances likely actually covering them in my schedules of benefits, because I didn’t get to my GP or OB and ask them for permission to go see the new clinic.

I found out this charming quirk of my situation yesterday. Not in enough time to fix anything. Perfect. I’ve been twiddling my thumbs for MONTHS. I could have seen my GP seven times if I had known I needed to. This error will certainly cost us $325 (the original consult) and may well cost $1925 (consult + sono). Which is gross.

I am seeing both my GP and my OB ASAP (OB on Monday, so his referral MIGHT squeak in to cover the sono, maybe). Otherwise IVF will hit a road-block because I won’t have any coverage, instead of total coverage. So I should be able to at least fix that, in time for my starting-up-the-cycle appointments in early March.

I hate this whole process, and I am angry and sad and perhaps not in the best mental state regardless, but insurance woes heaped on top were enough to have me totally lose my shit.

Added to and not helping is that I STILL do not have an offer in hand from school A, despite the offer from school B expiring next Wednesday.  I’m going to vomit if they don’t get back to me soon, because while I really want to go to school A, I would be out of my mind to let a tenure track job offer expire.

Taken all together, I cry too much (about 4x a week, when walking on my own), I stress too much, and I worry too much. I manufacture things to worry about when I have nothing specific to be anxious about, and I can’t cope when timelines and expectations change. I used to be able to handle these kinds of things, but I just can’t seem to these days. So beyond seeing my GP, my OB, my RE, and my acupuncturist in the next week or so, I’m also going to try to find another medical professional to talk to. The new clinic has a fertility-specialist counsellor, but (see above) I’m not sure my insurance will allow me to talk to her yet.

The worst thing is, I should be so happy right now. I made my career dreams come true, and we’re about to embark on a new way to give our family dreams a shot, and I’m just so sad and stressed all the time. It seems like such a waste.


3 thoughts on “meltdown station

  1. Turia

    So many, many hugs coming your way. You have too much on your plate at once. I hope dumping it all out on the blog helped. It made a huge difference for my state of mind when I did it.

    1. labmonkeyftw Post author

      It did help! I feel much better. Also telling Pea helped a lot. I’m not sure why I thought I should just suck it up and deal with it all on my own. Poor thing was blind-sided, thinking everything was happy until I was melting down on his shoulder.

      1. Turia

        Glad it helped. I totally blindsided Q. too, who was just coming home expecting a nice adult dinner and got a weeping mess of a wife instead. 🙂

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