I meant to write here on Tuesday, and then yesterday, but it’s been very busy. And I knew the answer, and I had told you here. So I didn’t feel this was urgent.

I was surprised how hard the official news hit me. There is a secluded little spot on campus that I like, so I brought it my tears. I had to tell Pea when I got home (we’d wanted to just listen to a message together, but after the clinic had called three times I realized they weren’t going to leave a message). We are both bitterly disappointed.

But we are ok. Pea has high hopes for our “chilly egg”, as he calls it. I’m worried it won’t make it through thaw, but after that would also think it’s a decent shot (3bb being just as good as a 5aa IF it makes it to transfer).

We won’t do the FET til June at least. Too much travel in May, and we’re both pretty exhausted on this front. We have a follow-up call with our Dr. next week to discuss the cycle, and will know more then about other options moving forward.

I have bounced between ‘ok, we’ll get some hypoallergenic cats, and a garden, we’ll be fine’, and ‘I would like to foster kids, older kids who need a safe place to be and a launch pad for life’, and ‘oh look, there are two IVF clinics in New City, I should look up their success rates lab monkey put down your phone’.

Tuesday I was very very sad. Yesterday I was mostly relieved. I’m not sure why that became the dominant emotion so quickly, and will think about it more. I do know that not knowing what will happen (even on a 9-months-of-warning arc) is really hard for me – not knowing if I will start my new position, or be a SAHM for some months. Pregnancy scares me, and is not something I have ever yearned for. I want a family. I want Pea and I to have our child. I want to be safe and healthy and have control over my body. It is a tricky balance.

I think we will definitely try another IVF if the FET fails, but I also think it might be after quite a long break – that’s where I’m at right now. Not done, but tired and needing some time off the roller-coaster of IF.

4 thoughts on “IVF#1 – BFN

  1. Jessica

    I know it’s disappointing even when you are prepared for the answer.

    I so much admire your ability to cool your heels and wait until June. As soon as a nurse would tell me it was negative, I’d be planning the next cycle with her. I had no patience for waiting. It probably didn’t serve me well if I’m honest.

    Best wishes on your FET in June. I’m here with crossed fingers when called upon.

  2. thecommonostrich

    Even when you know something like this is coming, it doesn’t really soften the blow, does it? I’m a huge believer in break-taking. You need to give yourself time and space to heal. Physically, emotionally, whatever it takes. It’s hard to do, but there are some problems you can only feel your way out of.

  3. Haisla

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I was really, really hoping that this round might have been the one for you. I can totally understand the need for a break. IVF is exhausting both physically and emotionally (I’m saying this and haven’t even started stimming yet).. Give yourself some time to process everything, and as Jessica said, I’ll too, be here to cheer you on again, when you’re ready.xx

  4. Turia

    In my experience, even when you know the answer, there is something just hideously final about hearing it from the clinic. It’s like some part of your brain is convinced things might be different, even if it’s not a conscious part, right up until the phone call.

    Taking a break for May makes sense. And IVF is exhausting. You have to be in a good place for it with all your ducks lined up in a row. You have a lot of changes on the horizon- a break may be needed and necessary.

    I will be interested to hear what your doctor says. Any future IVF cycle will be different in that all the eggs will get ICSI. My cycle where we did half natural and half ICSI was a total bust too, but the next one was the one that worked. So I am hopeful. All information is good.



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