So here is how my day has gone, scored by emotional impact on a -100 to +100 scale.
Blood clinic – nurse sees me and says “hello lab_monkey, the usual?”. This is not a fertility clinic lab, this is somewhere that sees dozens of people a day for different things, including drug tests. I’m a regular now, for pregnancy tests. Plus I’m expecting a zero. -40
On the walk home, a bird poops on me. -10 (I have never been pooped on before! Otherwise maybe it would only be a -5, it was just my sweater arm, and I was near a shop with napkins).
My stomach flu or massive ugly response to hormone shifts that started Tuesday night has cleared up. No intense stomach cramps, no uncontrolled diarrhea, unlike yesterday which was a panoply of delight. +10
My new department chair emails to congratulate me on my one-word-journal paper, out in print today. +10
My new department chair and my unofficial mentor have arranged for a news story about me coming to the school and to highlight the newly published article, to be featured in the university paper. +20
A colleague emailed to determine if there is a rather large error in a supplementary table of a paper I co-wrote five years ago. There is. -15
The clinic called to let me know my beta today was a negative – down to 2. -20. (honestly, the blood lab thing hurt more. I’ve had a bunch of days to get used to this, I knew from symptoms and that initial level that this was never going to be a viable pregnancy).
I love my clinic nurse dearly, and she was great – we’ve got a consult schedule to follow-up, and she’s going to confirm with my doctor that a new cycle would start with birth control pills, so I can just get right on that when my period arrives. Retrieval would be in 6-7 weeks, leaving our later fall free for the travel we have planned. I am in a big get-er-done mode. +0 (I’m happy we can probably push our plan forward, and unhappy we have to go back. It is a sum neutral).
Telling Pea the news. -30. Oh my optimistic Pea, my dear love. I hate to cause him any pain in any way.
(anticipated) Wine this evening. +20
Expected score: -55
However, I really do feel ok. I’m glad my digestive tract isn’t trying to murder me anymore, and I’m glad if this blast wasn’t going to hang out, it is at least making a clean exit away from beta hell and ectopic territory. Any pregnancy from now on in is going to be a pre-tenure pregnancy/baby, which I have tried for two and a half years to circumvent, but alas, it was not to be. We’ll make it work, whatever it turns out to be, that I know for sure.