playing pincushion

The beta today was 148. So up 8 from Monday. Which is gross. It’s not dropping, but it’s even more clearly completely non-viable.

I got a list of symptoms to watch out for regarding ectopic pregnancies, which is exactly what I didn’t want to hear. I am to stop all meds and go back on Friday for another draw. I imagine next week will involve multiple draws as well. What fun, public needles from technicians in a general blood lab who have all figured out my history and tell me ‘God’ll give you a baby, you’ll see”*.

I remain furious. I’m unable to masque the sadness when alone, so have taken to reading books while walking places as an avoidance-of-public-crying technique. I am working my tail off during the day as distraction, aided by the fact that my boss has not released any of her insane pressure on me, but has instead added passive-aggressive anger to the mix in the hopes (I think?) of motivating me to work harder. People who have worked as hard as she deems appropriate in our lab have had divorces, so…  thanks, but no thanks. Also I am NOT IN THE MOOD for her hyper-controlling pressure games**, so they are serving only to piss me off more.

If I am honest, I am heart-broken and terrified***, but I am unwilling to live in that space. Maybe later.

* direct quote from a well meaning nurse this morning. Thanks. Not really my jam, but thanks for the encouragement. (only half sarcastic, she did mean well)
** these games only come out when the paper is very high profile, and I have managed to avoid them to date, meaning I have a relatively healthy relationship with my boss, and a work-life balance that is reasonable. I intend to maintain both these things in the next few weeks, though I am not sure it will work out all that well.
*** for me, right now, and my fallopian tubes. For our blasts, later, and this same shit again. For my ability to maintain a healthy pregnancy ever in life.


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