sleepless night

I have a dull throb in my lower left side. When I walk, I have a stitch high up on my right side. I’m certain I am dying, then spend time reassuring myself that (a) my numbers are very low and (b) my clinic is taking great pains to stay on top of this. It helps, but not at 2 am with the throbbing ache.

This week, Pea has taken to playing games on his tablet next to me in bed, rather than leaving me to fall asleep on my own. I think this is meant to be supportive, but what it means is that I doze for the hour or so that he is up and his side lamp is on, wake up when he gets ready for bed and comes to bed, and then have used up my sleepiness. It has then taken me anywhere from 20 min to 2 hours to get back to sleep. I grumped at him last night when he woke me, but that’s not a useful way to handle this. I will have to tell him to stop, but only once I think I can do it nicely.

We have houseguests this weekend, Pea’s very best friends. We have busy days of seeing the city and drinking beer planned. I am not going to pick a fight with Pea just because he is having fun and is also worried rather than the opposite way round. I am not going to ruin this vacation for his friends by grumping or closing in on myself. I am hopefully not going to ruin this vacation by collapsing in agony.

I am so tired. And I am so tired of worrying. I lie awake and worry about research and grant applications, because worrying about this is too amorphous. I need resolution, but am resigned to wait for Monday or later for that to happen.


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