when do I get nice again?

I’m still not in a good place about fertility.  Waiting to ovulate (day 19, no sign so far). Waiting to get to a time where trying with our frozen embryos makes sense. Hating that I am not pregnant. Hating that Pea just had another birthday without any change in this situation. Hating that, because of our plans to delay a FET til April, I will go through a due date, maybe even two, of lost pregnancies before I even have the chance to start a new one.

It is a doldrums, I thought. A calm and a dull spot, needed after this past year of trial and hope and heartbreak.

It is not a doldrums, it is a despair. Not daily, not consumingly, but I am no longer able to be happy about anyone’s successes on this front. Objectively, yes, happy. But not whole heartedly.

A lost friend contacted me over LinkedIn this week to catch up. In casual fashion, they mentioned their one year old is making things busy. I didn’t know they have a kid. I haven’t replied. Yet. I will, but I shied away from the whole conversation.

A high school friend announced her second pregnancy on facebook. I flinched.

My sister mentioned in passing that she is showing, which is brilliant because this pregnancy is progressing as it should, and all seems well. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach, realizing the focus this pregnancy will inevitably (and rightly) have over the holidays, realizing I need to gird myself better for that. Realizing I need to see if Pea needs some girding as well.

I am still so angry. I had put it aside for a few months, October and November were productive, relaxed. I waited to see if I might ovulate, not thinking I would. I did, which was exciting, and I was a bit proud and a bit hopeful. Now, even though it’s still somewhat early, every day without a promising sign hurts. Moves the chance of a second ovulation further away. Moves the chance we could try further away. And the obsessing is opening up holes in my day-to-day coping. I’m so tempted to just eat mountains of cheese every day, to purposefully ruin this possible, fragile chance.

I won’t, because it’s not fair to Pea. But if I DO ovulate, and we have reasonable timing, I don’t know how I will handle it. That’s still a pipe dream though, so we shall see.


8 thoughts on “when do I get nice again?

  1. Turia

    Oh hun. It is such a hard hard place to be. I have been there, I promise you, and it is a horrible place to be, but it is really hard to get out of it too. Your feelings are valid. The wait you are looking at IS long. Be gentle with yourself. You are allowed to step back, to guard yourself, to be distant. You need to look after yourself and Pea.

  2. thecommonostrich

    Um… maybe never. Okay, that sounds harsh, but hear me out. What you’re experiencing is real, profound, and deeply sad. It isn’t a cold that you get over with bed rest and chicken soup.

    This is awful, unfair, cruel, painful. If you didn’t have those feelings, you wouldn’t be human. And to insist that events like this don’t change you downplays how massive they are. Rather than think about do you “be nice again” think about how to be kind to the person you are now. Start with who you are now, even the ugly parts, and search for peace with the person you’re becoming.

    (That was the worst peptalk ever, I realize.)

    1. labmonkeyftw Post author

      That was exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks Ostrich, you are very right. I keep struggling to maintain status quo, but of course I’m changing and grief leaves a mark. Thank you also for just the straight acknowledgement of awful, it’s something I’m not good at doing.
      Best peptalk ever, in that I feel much better for it. Thanks.

    1. labmonkeyftw Post author

      Thanks, I hope it will be better too. I find pregnancies come in waves – now I know four people due in late May/early June, which meant a lot of announcements recently. It will settle down, and I will adjust to the idea of all these new babies.

  3. Haisla

    Infertility is awful, there’s no two ways about it and it seems to just get awfuller as the time goes on. I totally get you and my heart goes out to you. Take good care of yourself over the holidays and don’t force yourself to do things that don’t feel right. Hugs.xx


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