I’m still not in a good place about fertility. Waiting to ovulate (day 19, no sign so far). Waiting to get to a time where trying with our frozen embryos makes sense. Hating that I am not pregnant. Hating that Pea just had another birthday without any change in this situation. Hating that, because of our plans to delay a FET til April, I will go through a due date, maybe even two, of lost pregnancies before I even have the chance to start a new one.
It is a doldrums, I thought. A calm and a dull spot, needed after this past year of trial and hope and heartbreak.
It is not a doldrums, it is a despair. Not daily, not consumingly, but I am no longer able to be happy about anyone’s successes on this front. Objectively, yes, happy. But not whole heartedly.
A lost friend contacted me over LinkedIn this week to catch up. In casual fashion, they mentioned their one year old is making things busy. I didn’t know they have a kid. I haven’t replied. Yet. I will, but I shied away from the whole conversation.
A high school friend announced her second pregnancy on facebook. I flinched.
My sister mentioned in passing that she is showing, which is brilliant because this pregnancy is progressing as it should, and all seems well. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach, realizing the focus this pregnancy will inevitably (and rightly) have over the holidays, realizing I need to gird myself better for that. Realizing I need to see if Pea needs some girding as well.
I am still so angry. I had put it aside for a few months, October and November were productive, relaxed. I waited to see if I might ovulate, not thinking I would. I did, which was exciting, and I was a bit proud and a bit hopeful. Now, even though it’s still somewhat early, every day without a promising sign hurts. Moves the chance of a second ovulation further away. Moves the chance we could try further away. And the obsessing is opening up holes in my day-to-day coping. I’m so tempted to just eat mountains of cheese every day, to purposefully ruin this possible, fragile chance.
I won’t, because it’s not fair to Pea. But if I DO ovulate, and we have reasonable timing, I don’t know how I will handle it. That’s still a pipe dream though, so we shall see.