on paranoia

On Friday, I signed in to a review site for a granting agency, for whom I am both an applicant and a reviewer. I idly browsed the grants I’ve been assigned to read, and then checked the list of all grants received to see who I know who has applied. I noticed my grant was not listed.

Cue total irrational panic. Tamping that panic down as best as possible, I emailed the person in charge of the review panel and asked them why my grant was not visible, as I had confirmation it had been received by the automated system. I then calmed myself down and realized that, likely, I can’t see my grant because then I could see the comments and scores on my grant, which would be inappropriate. Feeling foolish for emailing, and generally upset about how anxious I had gotten, I turned to a new task.

I’d love to say that this was a life lesson in how out of control my anxiety has gotten and how much I need to fix it. But. But! The coordinator emailed me back in horror, explaining that, because of my email, she had discovered my grant and thirteen others that had been lost by the computer system. This will be rectified, I am assured.

What is one to do when acting on ones irrational fears yields increased safety and security? All the wrong life lessons here.


Lab book update: Day three of lupron, two more days of birth control. I start estrogen injections next week*. I finally emailed the IVF clinics in New City to see about them taking over monitoring and prescribing for me once we move, as we’re basically throwing an embryo into my uterus and then getting the hell out of dodge**.


* Injections because the patches I was using for previous FETs have an adhesive that I have developed an allergy to. Shots vs. increasingly angry rashes all over my abdomen, causing me to run out of space for patches that aren’t seeping wounds = shots! Turia: “But aren’t there pills? I always took pills.” Me: “I asked, this is how they do. I don’t understand it either.”
** Transfer somewhere between April 25-29th. Packers packing the apartment the 28th. Movers taking our belongings the 29th. Last time the transfer was pretty much exactly a week from the ultrasound, which would be the 25th, so I am dearly hoping for that. This was a stupid plan, but free. And also, no time like the present still really really applies.

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