A smattering of thoughts

Labour story – coming. I find I am blurry on details. Just yesterday I suddenly remembered I’d laboured in the tub for a while (awful, nowhere to go when contracting, standing up was preferred). 

Labour results: Spud, obviously! The true prize. Also second degree tearing/episiotomy, a hemorrhage, hemorrhoids, and a good case of shock. I shook for about an hour after birth, deep jarring tremors. Now that those ailments are clamouring less and less, I am pretty sure I have bruised or dislocated my tailbone. It is SO sore, and I remember feeling it pop at one point. Swelling from the above and the 3.5 hours of pushing has left me incontinent (hopefully temporarily), so Spud is not the only one who is rocking diapers around the house.

I am daily more mobile and less sore. I was not prepared for the recovery process to be quite so intense. It feels like every minute I am not caring for Spud, I have self-care to do to heal, or sleep is desperately needed. This is all getting better, which is encouraging.

I have been struggling with a sense of unreality. Spud is not who I expected. I do not know who I expected, most likely no baby at all. He is exactly who he should be, but I find the existence of this tiny human to be mind boggling. At the same time, it felt entirely normal immediately for him to exist. It is a strange state.

Watching Pea with Spud causes my heart to fill dangerously close to exploding. Pea is fantastic with Spud, and has been a hero taking care of us both.

This sounds perhaps more grim than it is – I am very very happy. I am whole, and Spud is here. Everything else will come out in the wash, not unlike the gallons of poo Spud has deposited seemingly anywhere except his diapers.

What a difference a week makes.

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3 thoughts on “A smattering of thoughts

  1. rainbowgoblin

    Steffen has been blogging about family life, a sort of diary, and has recently gone back to a diary he kept just after Miso was born in which he recorded in detail my complaints and fears about the physical recovery immediately post-partum (hemorrhoids! Tearing my episiotomy stitches! Never being able to get to the toilet in time again!) Some of the physical recovery was slow (some ongoing) but I remember that just around 1 week was the darkest-before-the-dawn moment, especially for the episiotomy pain. Hang in there.

    Reply
  2. Daryl

    It is surreal, isn’t it? I vaguely remember in the early days watching Hubby with her or just watching her sleep and bursting into (mostly happy) tears. Oh, and I bled for what seemed like forever, which became mildly disconcerting, but it all passes, eventually, except for the part where you have this amazing little human living with you!

    Reply
  3. Hannah

    Those days with your firstborn are so intense. So amazing, but so intense. I know exactly what you mean about the unexpectedness – the presence of that specific baby is simultaneously so strange and somehow seems so inevitable. And the love, well, I don’t need to describe it to you. Don’t worry if it takes a while to recover physically and to feel in control emotionally. You sound like you are doing really, really well.

    Reply

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