I need to reframe my mind.
Today is day 8 of 18 straight days with visitors staying with us. So far it has just been my mom, who is amazing, and helpful, and knowledgable, and nurturing. Next up, a revolving door of Pea’s sister, mother and step-dad, my step-mother, and Pea’s dad and step-mom. I am tired of having a guest already, and my mother is a very easy guest who makes dinner and does laundry and is good at burping babies.
Spud alternated being up for an hour and asleep for an hour for the entire night last night. So I am tired from that as well. Pea and my mother both feel it is useful to tell me I need to prioritize napping, but making it a priority didn’t change that Spud only napped for 20 minutes in the basinette yesterday. He slept for ages in the car seat when we ran some errands, and for ages on me in the morning. Yesterday was a fussy day followed by a fussy night. I think growth spurt, but am not sure what’s going on.
I find myself waiting for the other shoe. For Spud to suffocate, show signs of abnormal development, get sick. I spend as little time on Google as I can, knowing it will always offer something properly scary to worry about. In the meantime, I wait and I watch and I remain one small step detached from Spud, to keep me safe if something goes wrong. I don’t want to do this, but I am stuck.
Pea is getting grumpy, because by the time he gets home in the evening, Spud is cluster feeding and grumpy, and I am tired and short tempered. He mildly chastised me for not replying to a “connect mutual friends” email he had sent. I sent five emails yesterday and had six more urgent ones I just didn’t get to. I am stressed about how hard it is to keep on top of things, and the next set of guests all feel strongly I should not be working at all, so are not likely to be helpful in that regard. I did not accept his chastising.
Probably all I need is more sleep, the universal heal-all for new parents. I probably won’t get enough sleep for ages though, so I need to reframe how I’m doing this in the meantime.
Spud is so lucky to have an extended clan of loving, excited family who want to meet him and provide some support to Pea and I.
I am so happy to have Spud here, and I know borrowing worry is a waste of energy and that Pea and I will navigate challenges as they appear.
I would be grumpy if I had to be at work too, it would break my heart a little every time I left in the morning. Pea is getting more sleep than I am, but he is not getting enough sleep by far.
I have empathy and compassion still, but I am tired and they are harder to access. I will try to nap and try to live in this moment more.