I took this picture this morning.
I know you can’t see it, I knew it wouldn’t work when I took it, the room was very dark. I had to try.
I have been having a Hard Time, mostly because I refuse to let go the “I can do it all, be everything” and just exist in this moment of mild chaos. I feel I am failing at most of my roles, or squeaking by with the bare minimum. I feel I shortchange Spud for work, my graduate student for Spud, Pea for both work and Spud. Myself, most of all (so much so that I’m adding this sentence as an afterthought while proofing this entry. Oh right, me.).
I try to fix things with Spud, not ever sure if something is actually wrong, if he is delayed, or if I’m an insufferable fix-it. I worry. It is normal to worry, but I manufacture things to worry about. I think: maybe they are real.
This morning, I snapped this picture of my perfect world, to remind me how perfect it is, chaos and all. Shortly after, Spud woke up and rooted around, farting continuously and noisily. Pea and I laughed and cheered him on. We all got up for the day.