I’ve been thinking about this blog entry for a while; certainly its contents have been present in my life for too long. I didn’t think I could post it in good conscience without doing something to address its contents first. So, as a preface and open acknowledgement that this is not normal, I have booked a phone appointment with a counsellor for this Saturday. Back on the CBT train for this kid.
My greatest fear, one that has not abated with time, is that Spud will be taken away.
It took me two full weeks to accept that Pea and I did, in fact, have a baby. I didn’t realize how guarded I had been about the pregnancy, how deeply I believed – not feared, believed – that something would go wrong in the eleventh hour.
Now, with Spud hale, hearty, cheerful, and ever-changing in new and fun (or exasperating) ways, I have a series of standing dreads.
That Spud will die.
That Spud’s blood type will turn out to be O. I am AB, so that would make him not mine.*
That Spud will be severely autistic, that these smiles and interaction and his little personality might disappear.**
All three dreads are the same at heart – that Spud will be taken away. These scenarios intrude on my thoughts, keep me wakeful at 4 am, cause my heart to race while sitting.
Hello, postpartum anxiety. I’ve been expecting you. I’ve left it a bit long, but will now take what steps are needed to allow these thoughts to pass by unexamined, unimagined, remaining weightless.
Do not be worried! I do not have any fears that I will harm myself or Spud, and have excellent support. I’m just not managing intrusive thoughts on this theme well, and would like to improve.
It is worse when I am tired or stressed. This week I have been both. I just managed to clear the decks with work, and Spud decided to take a long afternoon nap in the crib, and then cap it with another full hour of nurse-napping on my lap, warm and happy and snuggly. It is a four day weekend with Pea – delight!
* Spud is a small clone of Pea. My fertility clinic is very very careful. This is irrational. But persistent.
** Pea and I would do our best if Spud is neuro-atypical, it is the spectre of things Spud is learning/doing now being lost that haunts me.