Be cautious with happiness lest it be taken away

I’ve been thinking about this blog entry for a while; certainly its contents have been present in my life for too long. I didn’t think I could post it in good conscience without doing something to address its contents first. So, as a preface and open acknowledgement that this is not normal, I have booked a phone appointment with a counsellor for this Saturday. Back on the CBT train for this kid.

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My greatest fear, one that has not abated with time, is that Spud will be taken away.

It took me two full weeks to accept that Pea and I did, in fact, have a baby. I didn’t realize how guarded I had been about the pregnancy, how deeply I believed – not feared, believed – that something would go wrong in the eleventh hour.

Now, with Spud hale, hearty, cheerful, and ever-changing in new and fun (or exasperating) ways, I have a series of standing dreads.

That Spud will die.

That Spud’s blood type will turn out to be O. I am AB, so that would make him not mine.*

That Spud will be severely autistic, that these smiles and interaction and his little personality might disappear.**

All three dreads are the same at heart – that Spud will be taken away. These scenarios intrude on my thoughts, keep me wakeful at 4 am, cause my heart to race while sitting.

Hello, postpartum anxiety. I’ve been expecting you. I’ve left it a bit long, but will now take what steps are needed to allow these thoughts to pass by unexamined, unimagined, remaining weightless.

Do not be worried! I do not have any fears that I will harm myself or Spud, and have excellent support. I’m just not managing intrusive thoughts on this theme well, and would like to improve.

It is worse when I am tired or stressed. This week I have been both. I just managed to clear the decks with work, and Spud decided to take a long afternoon nap in the crib, and then cap it with another full hour of nurse-napping on my lap, warm and happy and snuggly. It is a four day weekend with Pea – delight!

* Spud is a small clone of Pea. My fertility clinic is very very careful. This is irrational. But persistent.

** Pea and I would do our best if Spud is neuro-atypical, it is the spectre of things Spud is learning/doing now being lost that haunts me.

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2 thoughts on “Be cautious with happiness lest it be taken away

  1. Jenny F. Scientist

    As you may recall, I also had severe postpartum anxiety/depression/irrational fears and it sucked (though it sucked less with some good drugs on board; depression AND anxiety, what could be better?). You’ve had a rough couple years here. Hoping the counselor can help you get what you need.

    Reply
  2. Mary

    Obviously anecdotal, but what helped with my baby-related anxiety and depression was going back to work and having more time doing non-baby related things. It’s hard. I’m sure you will find a way through this.

    Reply

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