We are getting back on the horse.
Pea and I have a wedding in Hilly Quirky in mid-October, two dear friends. It feels very convenient to extend that trip to allow us to visit other dear friends, for Pea to work in the main office of Golden Company for a bit, for me to perhaps finish the one outstanding project with my former supervisor, and for us to try an embryo transfer.
I asked my mother to block that week just in case this all worked out, as we’d bring her with us to help balance Spud. She likes Hilly Quirky. She likes Spud. She likes being helpful. She flies for free. A good plan, and one she was very amenable to*.
I reached out to my clinic about timelines, and nursing, and feasibility of international coordination. They wrote back using their password-protected secure email system and the sight of the login prompt made my heart clench hard.
The upshot is, in chronological order:
- I will have to wean Spud by end of July, when he is 19 months old
- I will start birth control somewhere at the end of August, estrogen in late September. Lupron wasn’t in the protocol, so I’ve asked about that
- We will fly to Hilly Quirky a few days pre-wedding, for a lining check ultrasound
- Assuming all is well**, we would do a transfer the next week, and fly home a few days later. Spud flew that flight while busily burrowing, so I feel ok with that aspect
There are a lot of things I don’t like about this plan.
I don’t want to force Spud to wean. He’s gradually reducing his requirement for milk, but he’s still very much interested in nursing. I am less and less interested, so I think we would hit a breaking point eventually, but I could see myself being stubborn well past September if Spud was still on board.
I only have ~three months before I’m back on medication, and that seems blindingly soon. Not least because I recently used a fancy pharmacy kiosk to determine that my body fat percentage is way above where it should be, let alone where I want it to be. I want to be fitter than this if I’m going into another pregnancy. I want to be fitter than this in general, but a three month timeline to a pregnancy is a decent sized bonfire under my flobby butt.
I’ll be looking at essentially back-to-back restricted diets, which is supremely annoying. At least some cheese will be back on the table. Literally.
I am sad I’m not likely to have time for a natural cycle to reassert itself, should it wish to. I am NOT sad to step away from the “will I/won’t I” mindf**k that is hoping to ovulate.
Reasons why we are going to pursue this plan:
- We both feel the earlier the better for starting this second try, as we are both older, and we know it might take some time, especially with coordinating cross-country transfers***
- Two fertility clinics lost their embryos this month, sooooo maybe we should get ours out of storage while they are still viable? Terrifyingly, one was the clinic we had gone to for all the IUIs, but swapped to our current one for IVF because of Pea’s insurance. It is very clear that it could have been us losing our embryos suddenly.
- It is very convenient as we will already be in Hilly Quirky, and the timing of the pregnancy would be excellent for my teaching schedule and current commitments. June is a nice quiet spot in the year here, an easy time to step away for a while.
I am not at all sure I am ready for a second child. We are both fairly sure we do want a second child, and we are both positive we want to at least try for one. Based on my visceral stress reactions to this whole conversation with the fertility clinic, I’m not sure I’d ever naturally become ready, so I don’t think postponing would really change anything about how I’m feeling.
I am even less ready for this to fail, or for this to go down the familiar road of half-failure. I wonder if it would be easier, because I have Spud, or harder, because I have Spud. I can see it going both ways. Or perhaps it is always its own tragedy, unconnected to other facets of life. Hopefully I won’t find out.
* “Ooooh it’ll be migration season!” Good birding, and you’ve got my mother in the palm of your hand and in the bush.
** hands up if you think all will go smoothly! sits on hands Siiiiiiiigh.
*** we are both currently agreed that no new egg harvesting will happen. These three embryos and any natural cycle should it appear are fair game, but no fresh IVFs. We agree. Right now. I can see Pea wavering on this later, perhaps, but I genuinely do not think it will make mathematical (we will have tried with FIFTY ONE eggs and nine embryos at that stage), physical, or career sense for me to do another full IVF. We’re both much less invested in this than we were in the first trial (right now), so I think we’ll have a very different stopping point. I don’t know where the stopping point was for Spud’s try – we were nearing it when he caught.